Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
