my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
