Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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