I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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