Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
