the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
