the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
