I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
