The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize