just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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