According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
