So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
