I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
