I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
