I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
