Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
