is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
