the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize