that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
