I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
