happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I want a musical about memes.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
