oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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