just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
