what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
