Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
