I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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