watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
