Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
