At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
