I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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