Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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