Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
