i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
