is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We are two peas in an std pod
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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