happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
