I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
