he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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