Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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