update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
