Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
