did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
