I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
