mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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