Nicole vs. Life
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
