i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
