not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
