im drinking this country out of the recession.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
