she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
