Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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