I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
