my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
