apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
