I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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