He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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