seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i dont even know how to be here
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
