I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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