The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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