I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
