I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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