The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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