she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
